


Dark Thoughts [Bright Lights]

by non_tiembo_mala



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Jensen, Knotting, M/M, Self-Lubrication, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Top Jared, True Mates, Werewolf Jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-04 16:49:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15151457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/non_tiembo_mala/pseuds/non_tiembo_mala
Summary: An accident that takes his entire family leaves Jensen desolate. Afraid there's no coming back from the hollow emptiness inside him, he decides to take a hike in the woods he used to frequent with his family, making no plans to come back. But those woods call to him with more than just fond memories, and there's something --someone-- waiting for him there that might just give him a reason to keep living.





	Dark Thoughts [Bright Lights]

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merakieros](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merakieros/gifts).



> \-- WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE --
> 
> This fic puts Jensen in a dark place and may be triggering for some, please heed the warnings. 
> 
> That said, if you know me at all, I can't leave the boys broken and hurting. You can count on the usual schmoop and healing, life-affirming kind of sex-- er, love. Well, both! 
> 
> I am delighted to say this fic was inspired by some beautiful art that was very kindly offered to me by my dear friend [merakieros](merakieros.tumblr.com). She was looking for a story, and I love what she creates, so I am only too honoured to whip something up. Make sure you check out her art [here](http://merakierosart.tumblr.com/post/176247881799/an-accident-that-takes-his-entire-family-leaves) and leave her some love!
> 
> Beta'd by the incomparable [gluedwithgold](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluedwithgold)and [Dancing_Adrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift) <3
> 
> Title from Sam Roberts' _With A Bullet_. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Jensen knows this isn’t what Danneel meant when she said he should try leaving the apartment again, get some fresh air. And he knows he’s not doing it for the reasons she hopes for when he tells her that he’s going to go. But it’s been almost two months, and nothing is better. It might even be worse.

 

They say time heals all wounds, but Jensen isn’t sure how much longer he can wait for that to be true. He can’t keep on living like this – that much Danneel has right. He’s not really living anymore. He’s barely even existing.

 

But if things were different – if things were the way they were _supposed_ to be – they would’ve been doing this together. It was the last camping trip they’d started planning before the accident. Jensen hadn’t even realized, had forgotten about the trip entirely – couldn’t have even said what month it was. But outside the ruined mess of his life, everything went on like nothing had ever even happened. The world just kept spinning and time kept on passing, and then Matt was calling to ask when he was coming in to the store to pick up his boots, the ones he had sent in for repair and forgotten about completely, because didn’t he need them for this weekend? And as he nodded dumbly into the phone as if Matt could see him, he had an idea.  
  
“Yeah,” he finally croaked out, voice a little rough with disuse. “Yeah, I do. I– I’ll be in tomorrow.”  
  
It’s the first time he’s felt motivation of any kind since that nightmare of a day. He hangs up on Matt and starts packing. He’ll go on the trip after all, by himself. He’ll think of them the way he always does, the way he can’t stop thinking about them, but it’ll be under the stars and open sky, among the pines. And if he doesn’t make it back, then… maybe he won’t have to figure out how to live without them, and that would be okay with him.

 

\---

 

Jared remembers the first time he caught the scent of his mate on the wind. He’d been out hunting with the rest of his pack, searching for deer, moose maybe, but instead, something caught his attention that had him drifting away from the others, too intrigued to stay in rank.

 

While warm-blooded and unmistakably human, the scent was not only new to the woods but it made Jared feel something he’d never felt before. Something came alive in him, quickened the beat of his heart and the draw of his breath. Though he was still relatively young for a werewolf, in all the years of his unnatural life, several centuries now, he had experienced countless times the thrill of the hunt, and had his fair share of mates, but nothing compared to the sensations that woke in him with that first whiff.

 

In the few years that passed since, a lifetime for the source of Jared’s longing but hardly more than a blink for himself, Jared has come to understand: soulmates. Nothing else can explain the way Jared feels, consumed by yearning for the human he’s watched grow from little more than a baby into a beautiful, strong young man. Jared hasn’t been able to find interest for any other since, despite their efforts. It’s unusual for a strong young male not to take mates within the pack, and at random times Jared will disappear and return to the pack with no explanation for his absence. In reality, his beloved’s scent calls him away.

 

He is keenly aware whenever his Mate enters the woods, more in tune to his presence than that of any pack mate or prey. He follows his nose to whom he belongs, and watches from a distance, in the shadows.

 

Pack law forbids interaction with humans. Jared’s pack hasn’t fed on or turned anyone since before Jared was born. They’re purebloods, all of them, born into the life. Soulmates within the pack are the only breeding pairs, litters rare and special, raised by the pack as a group.

 

Jared hasn’t had the courage to ask about human-werewolf soulmates. As far as he knows, it’s never happened before. He doubts the reverence usually reserved for True Mates would be extended to his human half. So Jared has waited. He’s yearned, and ached, and lived with turmoil in his heart.

 

In the years since he first saw him, Jared has become a loner within the pack, but he’s not an outcast. He still has the pack’s protection, a home, and food. He can’t hope to fit in with humans, having very rarely taken that form – and never for very long – so any hope he’d have if he should leave his pack would be slim. While his Mate’s presence in his woods is inescapable for him, humans have such dull senses by comparison; surely he is as unaware of Jared and their belonging together as he is the existence of werewolves in general. And so, Jared is trapped in a limbo he fears he will never escape, save only, perhaps, when his Mate has lived his life, grown old, and died, having never known of Jared’s love.

 

What happens then haunts Jared’s thoughts. True Mates never outlive each other long, but usually their ends come after a long life together. Shared. Full. Jared wonders if, another sixty or so years from now, his Mate might pass, and Jared would simply waste away, still so young for his kind, alone, and only he would understand why. Perhaps after another sixty years of this agony, that would be a blessing. Jared tries not to think of it often.

 

Jared wakes with the familiar scent in his nostrils. His ears twitch and he raises his head up abruptly, blinking. It’s not yet noon, but the pack has bellies full of moose meat after a successful early morning hunt, and many of them have been dozing lazily ever since.

 

Jared’s movement rouses Genevieve, though she only just opens an eye to observe him questioningly. He pays her no attention, stretching as he stands, drawing his hips back and raising his tail high, wagging it for good measure. When he starts to walk away, Genevieve perks up, raising and cocking her head.

 

 _Where are you going?_ She asks, though her tone suggests she already knows.

 

 _Don’t worry about it,_ Jared tosses back without looking at her. He hears her snort and doesn’t have to see to know she rolls her eyes at him. He navigates the piles of their pack mates curled up together in lumps throughout their den, and just before heading out he pauses to look back at her. She’s curled back up as she was, her head resting on her paws as if to say he’s a lost cause and she knows it, but her eyes are open and on him, glowing in the dark.

 

\---

 

On the drive out to the park, Jensen hates himself. Danneel had come home from class specifically to catch him before he left, to hug him tight and tell him she’s proud of him, and she loves him, and he’s doing the right thing for himself, going out into the wild. She said she looks forward to when he comes back feeling a little better.

 

But he doesn’t plan on coming back.

 

She’s maybe the only person he has left who will miss him, and he loves her, but his life is a black hole of misery. He’s only pulling her down. She’s so worried for him all the time she hasn’t been living much these past months either. She’ll be better off.

 

That’s what he tells himself for the hundredth time as he buys his parking permit from the gate attendant, nodding a silent thanks as he pulls away from the window. He’s not scared about what he’s about to do. On the contrary, he feels more calm and at peace than he has since he answered that fucking phone call.

 

Danneel is right, that this _is_ the right thing to do, she just doesn’t know how so. This park has always, somehow, felt more like home than home, and he’s only ever been here with his family. It’s the best way he can think of to be close to them again.

 

As he steps out of the car and takes his first deep breath of the clean, woodsy air, there’s that familiar feeling. He’s always felt _different_ here. He can’t quite describe it, but it makes him not want to leave, and always want to return when he does. His family loved the outdoors, and camping here had been something they’d done together since before Jensen can remember, pictures of his first camping trip still as a baby, worn in a special backpack when his mom and dad went hiking, were framed in his dad’s office until–

 

Jensen shoves the thoughts aside and pulls his pack onto his back. He thinks about leaving his phone in the car, but at the last minute decides he might as well have it with him. Maybe he’ll leave Danneel a proper goodbye, say sorry and thank you and I love you, if anyone should find his body.

 

He already feels better as he walks away from the car. His life feels a million miles away with each foot step, the loss and pain with it. The deeper into the forest he goes, the lighter Jensen feels. He brings nothing with him, has nothing, is nothing. He’ll hike and camp as far into the park as he can, and when he runs out of food and water, he’ll take the bottle of sleeping pills he stashed in the bottom of his bag.

 

He’ll be alone and it will be quiet and peaceful, unlike his mother, father, and sister in every way.

 

\---

 

It doesn’t take Jared long to find him. He moves towards him steadily like the needle of a compass finding true north. He’s on the move but Jared is so struck by his beauty and the relief at seeing him once again that he has to pause. It’s been almost seven months since Jared saw him last. Jared’s keen eyes can see the bright green of his Mate’s even from afar, like a shining echo of the sunlit leaves in the trees above them. His lips are chapped for the way he works his teeth and tongue over them while he walks, his golden brown hair short and soft, and there’s nearly a week’s worth of stubble on his cheeks. It’s only been seven months but somehow he looks drastically older, lines in his face that Jared doesn’t remember, and a weariness that makes Jared’s heart hurt.

 

As he pads alongside him from far enough away he can’t be seen, it takes Jared a moment to realize: Jensen is alone.

 

Jared’s hearing is excellent, much like his eyesight, and significantly better than a human’s. He remembers the first time he heard Jensen’s name, from his mother’s mouth. She spoke to him softly, holding him in her arms while Jensen’s father pitched their tent, and her words were meant just for Jensen, but Jared’s ears could hear, even over the pounding of his heart against his ribs.

 

This tiny creature, this human, _Jensen_ – Jared didn’t understand then what it was, only knew he was captivated. He haunted their entire trip, secretly escorting them back out of the woods when it was time for them to leave. That first time, watching them pack little Jensen into his car seat, was the closest Jared has ever come to exposing himself, approaching humans in broad daylight. It was a kind of panic he had never yet experienced, and watching them drive away caused him very real, physical pain, though it faded away quickly enough, only to return with each of their leavings.

 

For several years it was just Jensen and his parents, but soon there was a female child also. They were the four of them ever since, and Jared has watched Jensen grow, from a baby to the inescapably beautiful man he is now, but in all that time, Jensen has never, ever been here alone.

 

Jared’s stomach sinks, a bad feeling weighing it down and tying it in knots. The way Jensen looks is frightening to him. There’s something off, something missing, something horribly wrong, and Jared finds himself worrying. He moves closer, still staying out of sight, but needing to be closer, the instinct to protect his Mate superseding all others.

 

All Jensen does is walk. He doesn’t consult a map or compass or phone, and he barely eats or drinks anything. He walks until sundown when he finally stops, though it becomes clear to Jared he doesn’t have a tent, or much of anything at all. He unrolls a sleeping bag, which he lays in the dirt, and then collects kindling and a few thicker branches to make a small fire.

 

Jared settles in behind some bushes as close as he dares, laying his head on his paws and watching Jensen through the leaves. The knots in his stomach have not loosened. He’s on edge even as Jensen simply sits fireside, staring into the flames. After some time, Jensen eats some nuts from a small container, but it appears to be a chore for him to do so. He sits and watches the fire dwindle to nothing more than glowing coals, then he starts to cry.

 

Jared’s ears twitch at the first sharp inhale of breath, the first sniffle. At first, it’s subtle, quiet even, as though Jensen is holding back, but then, whether he remembers he’s alone in the middle of the woods or he can’t hold back anymore, Jared can’t be sure, but Jensen is sobbing uncontrollably. He holds himself tightly, his eyes clamped shut, tears streaming down his face, sucking in breaths so hard Jared is afraid he isn’t getting enough air.

 

Jared doesn’t remember standing, but as Jensen finally seems to run out of tears, his body shaking with exhaustion, Jared realizes he’s not as hidden as he should be. He’s never wanted to shift to his human form more desperately than this, wanted nothing more than to hold Jensen in his arms and protect him from all the pain, whatever is hurting him this way, but he knows it wouldn’t do. He has no clothes, and nothing to offer. A naked man randomly wandering out of the woods could hardly be a comfort to his Mate, Jared knows enough to know this. He retreats to the earth, lying down again as Jensen crawls into his sleeping bag, and silently vows to keep watch over him while he sleeps.

 

\---

 

Jensen packed light. It takes him only three days to completely run out of food and water. By now he has no idea where he is, having hiked without any intentional direction all the while. His stomach hurts, a dull ache. He feels lightheaded and a little dizzy. When he kneels down to start the fire, knowing it’ll be the last he ever lights, overall Jensen feels… free. He almost smiles as the kindling catches and the flames come to life. _It won’t be long now._

 

He lays out his sleeping bag same as always and when he reaches into his bag for the bottle of pills, his fingers brush his phone. He hesitates just a moment before pulling the phone out and turning it on. He owes Danneel this.

 

He settles down in front of the fire and holds the phone in his lap, looking down at the camera and speaking softly.

 

“Hey,” he starts, taking a deep breath. “I know you’re mad. And disappointed. I’m sorry for that– for everything. I just couldn’t–” he sighs, looking away, then back. “There’s no coming back from this, not for me. And you need to live your life without worrying about me all the time. Please, Danneel. You gotta live. For me. I’m sorry. And I love you. You’re the best, always have been. And this is what’s best for me, I promise.”  
  
There’s a short moment when he considers saying more, but instead he kisses his fingers and then waves at the camera with them and shuts it off. He takes a big, deep breath, and lets it out slowly. He shuts off the camera and nods to himself as he puts it back in his bag to protect it from the elements.

 

He sits in front of the fire for a long time with the bottle in his hands. The sun gets lower in the sky, turning it a myriad of blues, pinks, and oranges. It’s beautiful and it feels fitting, a little like goodbye. 

 

He unscrews the cap on the bottle and looks inside. He reaches behind him to take the one other thing he brought: a flask. It used to be his dad’s, and he lets that thought be a comfort when he takes that first big swig, too much, coughing for the burn. He takes another gulp, as much as he dares at once, and hisses as it goes down. Empty as he is, it feels like he blinks and that warm, tingly feeling is spreading out from his belly, along his limbs, making his hands heavy and dumb.

 

He swishes the contents of the flask just to hear them slosh around, then sets it down in the dirt, careful to place it somewhere level where it won’t spill. He opens his palm and starts to tip the bottle of pills–

 

Something very nearly knocks him over, but only catches his hands. The pill bottle goes flying, its contents lost to the darkness and the dirt. Jensen yells out first in surprise but then in anguish, but the sound dies abruptly in his throat.

 

Standing not two feet from him is a massive wolf. Jensen doesn’t have much to go off of, having never seen a wolf before, but this thing is more giant than he ever imagined a wolf could be. Its coat is full and long around its neck, shades of dark brown and light, and its fur moves in gentle ripples in time to the muscles underneath. It should be scary, terrifying even, but the creature just stands there, not baring its teeth or looking as though it’s going to attack him, and its eyes are warm, staring _right_ at Jensen.

Jensen is frozen, but more from shock than fear. He came out here to die, after all, and this might not be how he intended, but it’ll do. Except… Jensen can’t help it. He doesn’t think the wolf means him any harm. A tiny part of him feels as though it was simply its intention to… to stop him from taking the pills. The thought – combined with the liquor in his blood and messed up blood sugar from not eating – makes him laugh. The sound is nearly giddy, nervous in a way he really isn’t, and would be embarrassing except Jensen is staring down a _wolf_ , not another person.

 

The wolf cocks its giant head to the side, the way a dog does when it’s spoken to, trying to understand, and Jensen chokes on his laughter, blinking. In another time, Jensen would be properly afraid. In another time – from further away – he would think on how elegant and beautiful the wolf is, but he’s overcome with the eerie sense of calm he feels instead. It’s like how he always feels in these woods, but amplified to a level he can’t ignore or pretend isn’t real. He’s relaxed enough to sigh and finally sit up, hugging his knees while contemplating his feral company.

 

When the wolf simply keeps returning his gaze and finally sits, Jensen just shakes his head.

 

“What–” he almost asks what it wants, but catches himself. It’s a _wolf_. He laughs at himself for being an idiot and reaches for the flask where it still stands in the dirt, miraculously undisturbed. He takes a long pull, his eyes on the wolf all the while, and it just keeps tilting its head, watching him right back.

 

Jensen’s head is swimming a little as the alcohol settles. He’s got nothing inside him, nothing but loss, and hurt, and booze that’s acting way too fast. Not that it’ll be enough. He thinks about going looking for the pills, hands and knees in the dirt. Maybe– but the freakin’ wolf is still watching him, his glowing eyes following every subtle movement Jensen makes. So he doesn’t.

 

He must look resigned somehow, because the wolf seems less alert itself, relaxing down to the earth, its face on its behemoth paws. There’s silence apart from the crackle of the fire between them, the slight breeze rustling the trees, but it’s strangely comfortable. Jensen takes another sip of the whiskey, if for no other reason than something to do. It’s all he has left.

 

He sighs again, tells himself it doesn’t matter, but he’s _angry._ He had this planned, and this fucking animal has messed it up, but he can’t turn back now, he doesn’t know where he is and he doesn’t fucking want to.

 

“That was a dick thing to do,” Jensen mumbles out loud, for himself mostly, but the wolf raises its head and levels him with an intense stare. Jensen blinks back at him, because it _feels_ like it understands – hell, it even somehow looks offended, not to mention confused – but that. That would be crazy.

 

Right?

 

Jensen clears his throat a little awkwardly and averts his eyes. When he dares to look back, the creature is staring at him still, and Jensen can’t help but baulk a little.

 

“What? It was! I had this _plan_ , okay? I wasn’t– I’m _not_ going back, and–” he stands without thinking, throwing his arms up in exasperation, though he stumbles from the alcohol and lack of food, landing in the dirt. He clamps his eyes shut hard, embarrassed and frustrated, and refusing to cry even one more tear, and he tries to let it all go on a shaky exhale. Then he rolls onto his back and stares up at the sky, doesn’t even care if the wolf comes to tear him apart now. Go right fuckin’ ahead.

 

“I’m done,” Jensen whispers, eyes on the stars. “I’m done.”

 

He can hear the wolf moving, padding across the earth, and he closes his eyes without fear. Quick, slow, it doesn’t matter.

 

But what happens next is not what he expects. The wolf comes over and lies down along his side, warm and softer than Jensen ever would have thought. Its massive nose is nearly tucked in at Jensen’s neck, its breath hot and steady. It could sink its teeth in and tear out his throat but instead it– it’s… cuddling him? Jensen doesn’t move, but looks as best he can to the side to see it – still watching him. 

 

It looks… sad. And it feels _familiar_. Jensen wants to shake his head again. He must be losing it, seriously. But this… is happening? And it’s weird and crazy but it _is_ , and Jensen feels… better.

 

He lets instinct guide him and he slides a hand into the creature’s fur, stroking it, holding on. The wolf nuzzles him in response, and Jensen suddenly wants to curl up and hide in its bulk, let this feeling wash over him completely until he fades away. He could go just like this.

 

“I don’t–” he starts to say, even though he feels foolish.

 

“I… came out here to die,” he barely breathes. It’s liberating to say it out loud, but also, for the first time since he had the idea, saying it to someone for real, Jensen might actually be afraid.

 

The wolf makes a small, pained sound at Jensen’s admission, and that fear flares inside Jensen, makes him shake. He clings more tightly to the wolf’s fur.

 

“Will you… stay with me?” Jensen makes himself say it, closing his eyes and turning towards the wolf, desperate for the peace it makes Jensen feel until it doesn’t matter anymore, until he can’t feel anything.

 

The wolf nuzzles him again but starts to move, and Jensen panics for a moment. He opens his eyes and lets go as the wolf stands, and Jensen sits up, unsure and feeling monumentally stupid about it all.

 

 _Jensen_.

 

Jensen startles at the sound of his name in his head that he’s positive – okay, mostly? – sure he didn’t think himself. The wolf looks pleased at Jensen’s confusion, and then–

 

Jensen isn’t really sure what’s happening. The space occupied by the wolf starts to look hazy and blurred, as though there’s a smudge on the screen, except, it’s not a screen. Jensen can’t help but blink, trying to make sense of it, but then the smudge isn’t so dark anymore. The colours shift and change, and then everything is clear again, but instead of a wolf, there’s a man.

 

“Holy shit,” Jensen exhales, still blinking.

 

The guy looks a little older than Jensen, maybe early thirties. He’s huge, fit and tall – taller than Jensen – with a kind, beautiful face, and long, soft brown hair, and he’s– um, naked.

 

Jensen swallows hard but there’s nothing subtle about the way his eyes drop to the guy’s cock, which might be half hard and is easily the biggest dick Jensen’s ever seen. Like every inch of the rest of him, it’s gorgeous, and Jensen has enough alcohol and end-of-the-world adrenaline in his veins to let himself stare. His mouth is watering and he’d be ashamed but this– this has to be a dream, right? He’s hallucinating. He’s on his way out, out of his mind with thirst and grief, and this beautiful, enchanting man – who, by the way, is slowly coming towards Jensen as though he’s trying to approach a deer who might take off at any second – is something his brain has cooked up to ease his passing.

 

“Jensen,” the guy says, and it’s the voice, the one he just heard, but in his head. He raises his hands to him, palms up, non-threatening, and a tiny part of Jensen is concerned that he’s supposed to be concerned, but he really isn’t. He’s never seen this man before in his life, he knows that, but he _feels_ like he knows him.

 

“You–” Jensen starts, unsure where he’s going because honestly, _so many questions_. The guys raises his eyebrows cautiously in question, and Jensen settles on “wolf?”

 

The guy nods, and sure, that– that’s a thing. Why not?

 

“I’m Jared,” he continues, softly, and something stirs low in Jensen’s gut. Something warm, and wild, and alive.

 

“H– Hi,” Jensen stutters out, like, yeah, okay, yes. Now is the time for salutations, he’s only drunk and maybe hopefully dying and definitely delusional.

 

Jared is closer to him now, and he crouches down, one naked knee in the dirt between Jensen’s feet, at the open vee of his legs.

 

Jensen takes a deep, shaky breath, and god, he doesn’t know what it is, but there’s _something_ , this _smell_. It’s unplaceable and familiar all at once and it makes him feel _good_. He’s suddenly, terribly aware that he’s hard, his dick straining against his zipper, and looking at Jared’s eyes – the same warm glow of the wolf’s – Jensen has never been more ready to pounce on another person or, _yes_ , better yet, roll over onto his knees and offer himself up.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

Jared doesn’t say anything but he tentatively reaches for Jensen’s face with one hand. Jensen feels high, and he leans into it, meets the warm skin of Jared’s palm with his cheek.

 

Jensen shivers at the touch, a full body ripple, and a small gasp escapes his parted mouth. He’s never been so turned on in his life, and there’s something so– this feels right and it feels like home. How– how can this be home, this place and this person he’s never…?

 

“Do I know you?” Jensen asks, breathy, barely able to make the sound.

 

Jared seems to like the question, smiling at him in a way that’s unmistakably fond, stroking Jensen’s cheek with the edge of his thumb as he does.

 

“No,” he answers plainly, then knits his brows in thought, looking at Jensen playfully. “And yes.”

 

Jensen is sure his face conveys his ongoing confusion because Jared sighs then, a great heave of his chest, and suddenly Jensen can see the way he also shakes, the way he holds himself back, all the muscles of his body taut, his cock – oh god, it’s _huge_ – flushed full and glistening at the tip. Jensen is actually drooling.

 

Jared drops his other knee to the dirt and leans forward. Jensen leans back, bracing himself with a hand against the earth. Jared still has a hand on the side of his face, the other is knuckles down in the dirt, and somehow he’s moved between Jensen’s knees now, no longer down at his feet.

 

“Do you want to?” Jared asks genuinely, his face so close to Jensen’s their noses might touch if they move the wrong way, his breath a warm puff in the otherwise cool evening air. “Know me, I mean.”

 

Holy fuck, Jensen is going to combust.

 

“Yeah, yes,” he exhales in a rush. “Fuck, yes.”

 

\---

 

Jared never dared to let himself dream that he would get to reveal himself to Jensen, much less end up in this position.

 

Jensen may only be human, but clearly, being Jared’s True Mate still means something. It’s obvious Jensen doesn’t understand it, but he feels it. Jared could feel the way Jensen relaxed the moment they looked at one another, even if Jared had just sabotaged his pill-taking plan, and as a wolf, just to top it off.

 

Jared could speak to him the way the pack speaks – he saw it on Jensen’s face, the shock and disbelief at hearing Jared in his head. Jared doesn’t know anything about them for sure, but he has a sneaking suspicion that if they take each other as mates, Jensen will be able to do the same.

 

Between that and his mate’s heartbreaking plan, Jared doesn’t feel as though he ever had a choice. Jensen needs him, whatever happens between them and the pack afterwards be damned.

 

That said, all of this was easier when he was a wolf, when their forms didn’t align. Now, however, with Jensen’s scent all around him, Jared is nearly out of his mind with want. The instinct to take and claim and make them one is like nothing else he’s ever felt, and his cock throbs with each beat of his heart, hot and needy.

 

Jensen doesn’t seem to be faring much better, so Jared can only assume his own scent is ramping up Jensen’s response. Jared can fucking _smell_ the way Jensen’s cock is leaking inside his pants, and he can hear the furious pounding of Jensen’s heart.

 

When they touch, Jared is lit up, exhilarated. Every part of him is primed and ready – he’s waited what feels like a lifetime – but Jensen has to want him, has to let him.

 

 _And he does_.

 

“Yeah, yes,” Jensen pants into the barely-there space between them. “Fuck, yes.”

 

It’s all the permission Jared needs.

 

He’s on Jensen in an instant, capturing his mouth in a bruising kiss, and Jensen, thank god, is on the same page. He grips at Jared’s shoulders tightly, nails digging into skin, and he moans around Jared’s tongue when he pushes it past Jensen’s lips. Jensen sucks on it, hard, and Jared growls against his mouth, the hand on Jensen’s face moving to tug at his shirt.

 

On the first pull of the fabric it tears a little, and Jensen seems to get the picture. He lets go of Jared’s tongue long enough to sit forward and take off his shirt, pulling it over his head. His nipples are hard and his skin pebbles up as the breeze hits it, but Jensen doesn’t stop there, frantically going for his belt buckle with hands that shake.

 

“I don’t–” Jensen starts to say while he struggles with his button “–usually– not like this–”  
  
Jared grins because he knows, and he reaches for Jensen’s hands to make them still. Jensen looks up at him, flushed and breathing hard.

 

“I know,” Jared nearly purrs. “This is different. We’re different.”

 

Jensen just blinks at him while Jared takes over with his pants.

 

“Different,” he echoes, nodding as if in a daze, and it sounds like agreement because he knows it’s true, he can feel it.

 

Jared tugs on his waistband and strips Jensen down to nothing, still clinging to Jared’s shoulders. Jensen smells even better naked, and Jared takes a deep breath to let the scent fill him fully, making him leak with anticipation of being buried inside his mate and breathing in only him.

 

Jensen looks uncomfortable crouching on the ground in front of him, and Jared is reminded that human bodies are much less rugged than his four-legged form. He sees Jensen’s sleeping bag just off to the side and he reaches for it, pulling it closer.

 

There’s really only one way to do this the first time, where Jared will be less likely to hurt Jensen once they get into it, but Jared can smell his mate’s desperation, and he wants to take the edge off, help him relax. Jared can’t recall the last time he did this in this form, but he remembers just enough to know that without a few extra things, this might not go well for Jensen. That’s not what he wants for his mate, but they’ll just have to take this one step at a time.

 

“Lie down,” Jared says as he puts the sleeping bag in place beside them. Jensen hurries to do as he’s asked, scrambling onto the padding and sitting, arms around his knees, looking at Jared with uncertainty and anticipation.

 

Jared knees his way over, making space for himself between Jensen’s legs.

 

“All the way down,” he coaxes Jensen further, all the way onto his back, and as he settles his weight on top of him, Jensen keens, grabbing at Jared frantically.

 

Jensen’s nails dig into Jared’s skin as their dicks touch, getting trapped, pressed together between their bodies. Jensen pulls at him as if to get impossibly closer, and Jared growls because he wishes he could. He pants into the crook of Jensen’s neck as he starts to roll his hips, not letting himself get his teeth on Jensen, scared he’s not got enough control left to keep from hurting him.

 

“Oh, oh god– oh god, Jared, fuck,” Jensen moans, broken words drawn out long and incoherent. Jensen shifts fitfully underneath him, straining to push his hips up and against Jared’s as Jared thrusts against him, and Jared can’t keep doing this. He’s got to get inside Jensen _yesterday_ , and this is too close, not enough.

 

“Jared, I– _fuck_ ,” Jensen begs, as if reading Jared’s mind. “I need– you have to– fuck me, please, please–”  
  
Jared’s never been so keyed up in his life. The sense of urgency is nearly putting him into a frenzy, but– fuck. He can feel his knot at the base of his dick, throbbing and threatening, and there’s no way that Jensen–

 

“ _Jared_!” Jensen cries out and Jared snaps out of it in a hurry, his mate needing to come and come _now._

 

“I got you, my love, I got you,” Jared purrs, pushing himself back and down Jensen’s body.

 

Jensen’s hands follow him in a panic, but Jared doesn’t waste time. He takes one moment only to nuzzle in against Jensen’s leaking cock, burying his nose in the scent-rich hair at the base. Jensen gasps and shudders as Jared does it, and Jared can feel the embarrassment and lust coming off his mate in waves. Jared grins, playfully nips at the inside of Jensen’s thigh, and then takes his dick into his mouth without any other preamble.

 

Jensen bolts practically upright as the head of his cock hits the back of Jared’s throat, shouting _fuck_ , and grabbing for Jared’s head, his fingers twisting in Jared’s hair. Jensen’s breathing is short and choppy as Jared draws back and then down again, quickly finding a rhythm, and Jared can sense how his mate tries not to pull, so he awkwardly reaches a hand up and over one of Jensen’s, giving his own hair a tug with Jensen’s fingers.

 

“Oh, Jesus, Jared,” Jensen groans and lets his grip tighten. He gets into it, pushing and pulling Jared’s head in time to Jared’s rhythm, and Jared hums happily around Jensen’s cock.

 

“Oh, fu– _Jared,_ I’m– gonna–” Jensen tries to pull him off as he splutters out his warning, but Jared is only too pleased to fight Jensen, keeping him in his mouth, feeling his dick swell and go impossibly harder before he’s coming on Jared’s tongue.

 

Jensen cries out and shakes as he fills Jared’s mouth, and Jared works him through it, swallowing down everything Jensen gives up to him. Jared is so addicted to every smell and taste of Jensen already, he knows distantly he can never go back to the life he led before – the one where they aren’t together.

 

He continues to gently suck at Jensen’s softening cock after he’s spent, until Jensen releases his hold on Jared’s head and slumps back to the earth, taking in big gulps of air while his heart pounds hard in his chest. Then, just as Jared eases off, letting Jensen slip from between his lips, Jared can smell it.

 

He looks up at Jensen just in time to see that Jensen must be feeling it, because his mate looks mortified, wide-eyed and red-faced in confusion and shame because he doesn’t understand.

 

“Jen– Jensen, are you– ?” Jared can barely get the words out, breathy and surprised, incredulous.

 

Jensen groans and looks away from him, covering his face in his hands. “I don’t– Jared, what’s happening to me?”  
  
“Oh, my love,” Jared puts a gentle hand on Jensen’s knee while the other reaches past his balls, easing between his cheeks. The skin is slick, wetting the tips of Jared’s fingers, and Jared almost can’t believe it. He guessed that by being together, if they claimed each other, maybe Jensen would be able to speak with him like a member of the pack, but it never occurred to him that Jensen would change to be able to accommodate him. He supposes maybe– maybe Jensen’s always been able to do this, but without Jared, he would have never known. Jared is overcome. “Jensen, sweetheart, we were made to be together. This– this is for me– for us.”

 

Jared’s sincerity and reverence must reach him, because Jensen takes his hands off his face and looks at him, shame being replaced with curiosity. His mate’s eyes are still wide but less frightened, still dark with unslaked lust, because their mating is still as of yet incomplete, and Jensen’s body knows it even if he’s still figuring it out.

 

\---

 

Holy fuck. Easily the best blow job he’s ever had, Jensen is sure he no longer has any functioning brain cells, and his muscles may never work again. Collapsing onto the sleeping bag, he tries to catch his breath, and he knows he should have questions, at the very least know something more than wolf-man’s name, or why he knows Jensen’s name, but he honestly can’t be bothered. It doesn’t even matter, especially if Jared fucks as good as he blows, and something tells Jensen he’s not going to be disappointed.

 

He’s just about to try and string a few words together to say as much to Jared, who’s only just letting Jensen go, when he feels a different kind of heat low in his gut – different from the desperate wanting and sharp need he’s felt since first looking at Jared. In the next second, he feels– oh my god, what– is he– _leaking_?

 

Jensen tries to clench his body, keep whatever’s escaping inside, exposed as he is, naked and spread out for Jared, but he knows it’s too late for that. He knows the moment Jared notices, the way Jared freezes as though he’s been stunned, and Jensen wishes the earth would just swallow him up. He hides behind his hands when Jared starts to speak, barely able to get words out himself.

 

Jensen doesn’t know what to say, don’t know the answer to Jared’s question. He wishes he was anywhere else, maybe already dead, but then Jared says it again – _my love_ – and Jensen’s stomach flutters in response. He feels calmer for the way Jared calls him that, even though there’s that part of his brain wondering how and why and who, relaxed enough not to sob the way he wants to when Jared reaches for him, shuddering with a renewed sense of want when Jared’s fingers touch his hole, even though he’s weirdly wet and confused and he’s already just come.

 

“This is for me– for us,” is what Jared says, with such a tone to his voice that Jensen’s mortification fades away entirely despite his confusion. He takes his hands away to look down the length of his body at Jared, who slides two thick fingers inside him like it’s nothing, and Jensen moans as Jared starts stroking his insides.

 

“What– what do you mean?” Jensen is proud of himself for finally asking, even though, honestly, given the way Jared is looking at him, his fingers searching and stretching him apart, Jensen doesn’t actually know how much he even cares. Jensen rocks his hips slowly, fucking himself on Jared’s hand and wanting more.

 

Jared’s eyes flick upward to look at him, and they flare warmly, reminiscent of the glow in the wolf’s eyes. He flashes a brilliant smile at Jensen, teeth bared, and takes back his fingers, making Jensen whimper.

 

“Let me show you,” he rumbles, and then he brings the shiny, wet fingers to his mouth and sucks them, hard.

 

“Oh my god,” Jensen says in a rush as though the words were punched out of him, and when Jared groans loudly around his mouthful, like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted, Jensen can feel himself getting hard again, _Christ_ , like he’s a damned teenager.

 

“On your hands and knees,” Jared directs him, though not rudely. Jensen would be scared – maybe he should be – of how predatory and absolutely dominant Jared looks right now, except it’s also the hottest thing Jensen’s ever seen, and in this moment, he’s never wanted anything more than he’s wanted to get fucked. He scrambles to get into position with an energy he didn’t know he had left, and he can feel the heat coming off Jared’s body as he closes in behind him.

 

One of Jared’s huge fucking hands finds Jensen’s hip, and Jensen can hardly believe the wanton sounds coming from his own mouth, the way he immediately pushes back into the touch.

 

“Easy, Jensen,” Jared says, smoothing his palm across Jensen’s skin, cupping his ass and giving him a squeeze. “You– you gotta– tell me. Tell me you’re sure. Please.”

 

Jensen’s first instinct is to sarcastically and incredulously demand how that’s not obvious, but there’s a seriousness and gravity to Jared’s tone that makes the remark die in his throat. He looks back at him over his shoulder and as they lock eyes in the firelight, Jensen knows– there’s something– this isn’t just an incredible fuck, some randomly amazing send off before he called it quits. It feels like something he’s been longing for his entire life, dangerously rich with meaning and purpose and everything Jensen thought he’d lost with his family. It feels like the last thing he wants to do now is die, when he could be living with this – whatever _this_ is – and it’s terrifying but he knows it without a doubt, never more sure of anything in his life.

 

“I’m sure, Jared,” he says, equally serious. “Please…” he hesitates, but the words continue as if on their own volition. “Fuck me. I want– wanna be yours.”

 

Jared lets loose a long, low, almost anguished sound at that, and Jensen can’t help but liken it to a howl in his mind before it turns to a growl, both of Jared’s hands on Jensen’s hips, grabbing his ass, pulling him apart.

 

Jensen groans and pushes back. He shivers at the cool air as it hits his hole, and he’s never liked being this exposed to anyone during sex, but he feels drunk on it now, going low on his elbows and arching his back, begging Jared with his body.

 

Then the head of Jared’s dick is pressing against his entrance and panic races through him as he remembers just how fucking huge Jared is, and that those two fingers, no matter how good they felt, could not possibly compare.

 

“J-Jared,” Jensen stutters out, torn between pressing back into it and pulling away.

 

“Shh,” Jared says soothingly. “Just relax, Jensen. This is what I meant. It’s so you can take me. All of me. Let me–” he pushes just inside the ring of muscle, holding onto Jensen’s hips to keep still, and Jensen cries out “–show you.”  
  
He moves slowly and deliberately, but he doesn’t stop until Jensen’s ass is snug against his body. Jensen is shaking and whines all the while, but Jared has to be right– it feels like nothing else he’s ever felt, bigger than any dick or dildo he’s ever had, but as Jared pushes into him, Jensen’s body gives way easily, making space for him like he belongs there.

 

Once he’s bottomed out, he does give a moment’s pause, and shifts off his knees onto the balls of his feet, leaning forward to blanket Jensen’s body with his own, his fists in the earth outside Jensen’s hands, his mouth at Jensen’s ear. Jensen is not that small a guy, but Jared makes him feel tiny, completely covered by all his massive bulk, hidden and protected and safe and somehow home.

 

“See? Meant to be together, sweetheart,” Jared whispers against the shell of Jensen’s ear, and Jensen can only agree, nodding with a whine in the back of his throat. He wants– he needs– Jared has to–

 

“You’re mine, Jensen,” Jared says as he starts to move, as if reading Jensen’s mind, and Jensen would be embarrassed for the way he just can’t shut up, but goddamn Jared feels good.

 

Jared only gives a couple slow thrusts before he really gets into it, and he fucks like an absolute beast. Each savage slam of his hips into Jensen’s ass forces out another loud, broken sound from Jensen’s lungs. The only thing that keeps him from moving away with the force of it is the trap of Jared’s body all around him, and all he can do is drop his head to his forearms and take it. Jared is carving him out, filling him like he’s never been before, and even with only the light from the flickering flames next to them, when Jensen looks down towards his legs, he can see the bulge Jared makes in his abdomen every time he pushes all the way in.

 

“Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, Jared, yes, oh god, please, please, yes,” he babbles mindlessly as Jared pounds into him, feels another orgasm building at the base of his spine, his toes curling against the sleeping bag. Jared is panting heavily against his ear, with the occasional lick of his tongue or scrape of his teeth amid grunts and growls that only make Jensen moan more. Jared sounds just as wrecked as he does, and Jensen feels like he could fucking fly.

 

“Jensen,” Jared whines, sounds desperate, and Jensen can only guess what’s coming. “I–”  
  
“Yes, fuck yeah, come on, Jared,” Jensen begs, his mouth completely helpless to his derailed, overwhelmed thoughts. “Fucking fill me up–”  
  
Jared moans and when he next buries himself all the way inside, Jensen feels his dick get impossibly bigger.

 

And _bigger_.

 

Jensen cries out and comes as Jared somehow swells right at the base, stretching Jensen’s rim in an instant. It hurts but in the best way, and he shakes apart, making a mess of the sleeping bag as Jared slows his hips and comes, too, marking Jensen from the inside out.  

 

But Jared doesn’t stop. His hips continue to slow, but he keeps rocking into him shallowly. Jensen is completely spent, held up only by his skeleton and Jared’s dick still ironhard in his ass, but he feels _so good,_ better than he ever has. He might not even still be on earth at this point. Maybe he took the pills and died after all, and this is what heaven feels like, split in two by a giant cock and getting pumped full of come.

 

“Mmm, Jensen,” Jared hums in his ear, the ferocious urgency gone from his voice but replaced with a loose, dreamy quality that says if this is heaven, Jared is right there with him, too.

 

“God, J-Jared,” Jensen quietly moans in answer, his voice shaking like the rest of him, as though the last waves of his own orgasm still haven’t subsided completely.

 

“Easy, love,” Jared says, and he starts to move, carefully so that they stay together. When he shifts, Jensen can feel it again, the painfully good bulge at his entrance, where the base of Jared’s dick is inflated somehow. Jensen moans wantonly for how good it feels as they get into a new position – lying on their sides, Jared’s arms and body still wrapped around Jensen, his hips still pumping.

 

Jensen hums contentedly as they settle, naked but comfortable and warm for everywhere their bodies are plastered together. Jared nuzzles the back of his neck lazily, and Jensen lets himself get carried away in the dreaminess of it all, the shivery feeling of still being together, connected, and being filled so completely – _claimed_ , something whispers at the back of his mind – Jared still obviously coming inside him.

 

Jensen’s breathing relaxes as they lay there, and one of Jared’s hands slides down Jensen’s body to spread across his belly, big palm warm as it presses in. Jensen gasps.

 

“Do you feel me, Jensen?” Jared whispers, and Jensen can feel his open-mouthed grin against his neck.

 

“I feel you you, Jared,” Jensen whines as Jared’s hand is firm against the bulge he makes in Jensen’s abdomen. “ _God_ , what– how are we still…?”

 

Jared chuckles softly, pleased, and noses in behind Jensen’s ear, licks at his sweat-covered skin before pressing his lips there in a kiss.

 

“My knot,” is all Jared says, murmured against Jensen’s neck, like that explains everything.

 

Jensen opens his mouth to ask another question, but Jared pushes his hips forward, reaching deep inside, and only a pleasure-soaked sound escapes instead.

 

“It will keep us locked together until our mating is complete,” Jared offers, perhaps sensing Jensen’s continued questioning.

 

“Mating?” Jensen means to say it with a laugh because who even says that, but even as he tries, something inside him settles into it, a sense of _rightness_ that makes his voice breathy and his tone awed instead.

 

Jared does laugh though, just a little, still sounding pleased, and the cadence of it makes Jensen feel content as well.

 

“I think you know,” Jared breathes into Jensen’s ear as he holds him close. “It’s not something you understand but you can’t deny what you feel. We’re True Mates. I’ve claimed you as my own, and I belong to you.”  
  
The words don’t feel as strange as he thinks they should. When Jared says True Mates, his heart feels full, and his mind supplies _soulmates_ like a more familiar echo.

 

 _I belong to you_ repeats again in Jensen’s mind and something inside him breaks. He came out here with nothing, only a plan to take himself away from everything for good, and now–

 

He told himself he wouldn’t shed one more tear, but that was before. Now, in a completely unexpected and sudden turn, he can hardly stand to think he and Jared will have to physically part, that this will end, much less leave Jared or– or worse.

 

He sobs once and clings tightly to Jared’s arms. “I never thought– didn’t know–”  
  
“Shh, I’ve got you, Jensen. I’ve got you,” Jared purrs, his voice soothing and without judgement.

 

“I was gonna– then we would’ve never–” Jensen rambles, shaking his head, but Jared just holds him close.

 

“I think a part of you knew. It’s why you came here. So I could stop you,” Jared whispers once Jensen is quiet. Thinking about it now, feeling the way he feels – so inexplicable and yet… Jensen thinks maybe Jared it right.

 

Jared’s cock has softened slightly and the swelling – his knot – has gone down. Jensen has no concept of how long they’ve been like this, but it’s the most human, most hopeful he’s been since he lost his family. When Jared reaches between them to ease himself out of Jensen’s body, Jensen tenses, his breath caught in his chest, panic and fear tearing through him.

_No, no, no, no, please. Don’t go_.

 

Jared hisses as Jensen’s body squeezes him, and Jensen winces, willing himself to relax even though he doesn’t want to let go.

 

 _Easy, love_. _I’m not going anywhere. Could never leave you now, Jensen_.

 

Jensen startles at Jared’s silent reply to a thought Jensen didn’t know he was sharing, but somehow after everything that’s happened tonight, it doesn’t seem surprising.

 

Jared pulls out and smoothes his fingers gently over Jensen’s hole when Jensen sighs at the emptiness and shivers.

 

 _Jared?_ Jensen tries, deliberate this time.

 

Jared hums and pulls Jensen snug against him, wrapped in his arms.

_Yes, Jensen,_ he replies, and Jensen can hear him smiling.

 

Jensen smiles, too, and lets his eyes close on an easy breath.

 

 _What happens now?_ Jensen wonders absently, too comfortable, too tired, and too happy to be too concerned.

 

 _Sleep,_ Jared answers, his breath hot on Jensen’s skin. _Everything else can wait til morning. I will keep you safe and warm_.

 

He kisses the nape of Jensen’s neck, and Jensen feels himself succumbing to his exhaustion. Jensen nods muzzily and lets sleep come, ready for the sunrise, knowing in his heart he’ll never again have to face it alone.

 

 

 

 

   
  
 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Comments and kudos are love <3


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